The Keys to Communication

    Hey everybody! Today we're going to be talking about one of the most important parts of marriage. That is, communication! This is going to be a pretty fast and informative post where we're just going to go over the "5 Secrets of Effective Communication" as instructed by David D Burns, MD. These 5 steps are: The Disarming Technique, Empathy, Inquiry, "I Feel" Statements, and Stroking. 

    The first step is, "The Disarming Technique". This is a great way of de-escalating the situation if you and your loved ones are arguing. The way you use this is to find a the "grain of truth" in what your partner is saying, even if what they have said is completely unfair or untrue. For example, if my wife said something like, "You don't care about me at all!" I could use the disarming technique by replying, "you're right my love, I haven't done a good job of listening to you and making time for you." The next step, Empathy, would probably sound like, "And I am so sorry I have made you feel like I don't care about you." The point of empathy is to put yourself in your partner's shoes and acknowledge/validate their feelings. The next step is an Inquiry. This means to ask them a question to learn more about what the other person is thinking or feeling. For example, I could ask, "It seems like you're feeling I don't make enough time for you, is that right?" This way I can both empathize and probe to figure out how she is feeling/thinking. 

In addition to this, please notice that I haven't mentioned that you should be defensive! If you respond to, albeit an extreme statement accusation, "You don't care about me" by saying, "how dare you! I have done nothing but care about you!" all you're going to do is confirm to them that you aren't listening to them or care about what they are feeling. This leads to the 4th step is to use the "I Feel" statements. Rather than actually disagreeing with them, say something like, "I feel confused by this thing you said. As I mentioned earlier, don't just get defensive and say, "no you're wrong" or "that just isn't true." And, lastly, there is the Stroking technique. Think of this kinda like you were stroking a cat, making them feel really good. In the same way, to do this you want to give your partner a genuine compliment of something you truly admire about them. If it isn't genuine, it won't work! Thanks again for reading you guys. Take care, and communicate!

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